Owning the Words

And he said, “O man greatly beloved, fear not! Peace be to you; be strong, yes, be strong!” So when he spoke to me I was strengthened, and said, “Let my lord speak, for you have strengthened me.” Daniel 10:19 (New King James Version)

To see yourself as God’s greatly beloved and to receive strength and encouragement from Him, is when the Christian life becomes one of intimacy, growth, and security. For decades, I knew very little of either of these experiences. Rather than look to God for my identity, completeness, and encouragement, I looked to people. Their view of me and words to me could either put me on a mountain of high emotion or plunge me into a valley of despair. The tranquility of my soul rested solely on them. I did not know what it was like to sense that God viewed me as precious, desirable, beautiful, valuable, goodly, or His treasure. I did not know what it was like to receive from God those things my soul craved. Although I knew Jesus as my Savior, my attention and internal appetites were directed toward people rather than toward Him.

Even in the midst of my present journey which began in February of 2004 this has often been the case. While I have taken in wonderful truths about God and seen Him birth a devotional ministry out of those truths, there was still something missing. It wasn’t until I began reading a book by Henri Nouwen called THE INNER VOICE OF LOVE that I understood the continued battle. It is a book that adequately portrays me. Within its pages I was able to finally see myself. While I was learning the truth about God’s love and His desire to fill me with that love, I was not living out of the experience of embracing it for myself. Many times they were still words on a page to me. That is why I continued to look to other sources. I was still thinking that knowledge of God equated relationship with Him. There were times I would experience the relationship but for the most part my need for people was still over powering my personal connection with God.

The few people I would confide in could see this and I believe they have been lifting me up in prayer. The real turning point came when I finally admitted the truth to myself and to God. It has been through honest dialogue with Him that my heart and mind are changing. What use to fill me with shame, I now share openly with you. I am learning to receive His love and His words to me as His beloved. And I am learning to verbalize to Him what is going on inside of me so my needs can finally be met by Him. Instead of feeling exposed and vulnerable (as the enemy would hope for), I feel free!

I love the song YOU RAISE ME UP and treasure it more as I come to realize God is the One Whom I now look to, to raise me up!

Father, I am finally finding my home in You. Amen.