The Exposing of Disbelief

Deliver me, I pray, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau; for I fear him, that he will come and attack me and the mothers with the children. Genesis 32:11(New American Standard Bible)

Twenty years had separated Jacob and Esau’s past and future. Jacob left home with a brother who was angry enough to kill him. No contact had been made between them in all that time. As far as Jacob was concerned, Esau was still seething with rage. He feared the worst…complete annihilation of himself and his family. Yet, this verse which houses his words of fear is sandwiched between his recollection of God’s promise to prosper him and his descendents. Jacob did what we so often can find ourselves doing…he voiced truth without embracing it. Fear rather than faith was what ruled him and fueled his actions.

As I read further in this passage, I see Jacob planning and plotting his own story of redemption (Genesis 32:20). His actions reveal to me his core belief: God needs my help to insure my safety. He cannot be trusted to do what He promised. It is up to me to defend myself. Jacob had learned early on to take matters into his own hands rather than place those matters into the hands of God and trust Him to do what is best. He proclaimed truth, prayed for deliverance, and then moved full speed ahead with his own agenda.

I am learning to listen to the conflicting statements I and others can make when referring to God and His ways. Whether spoken out loud or whispered in our heart, we can proclaim a truth about God and then follow it with thoughts and feelings that contradict what we just said. On the surface we believe God is loving, kind, and in control. Deep down inside we fear He is disinterested, angry, absent, and uninvolved. That we are low on His priority list. We do not see the big picture therefore we limit God and either begin to scheme or live with a sense of despair and hopelessness. Why do I say this? Because until I admit what is really going on in my heart and mind I will not be free to move beyond that way of living my Christian life….and neither will you.

God knows my insecurities and doubts. He knows what turns my trust to mush. He knows what disheartens and discourages me. He knows it all and He is using the hard places of this life to help me to see what to do with all of it. He longs to bring me to the place where what I say I believe is what I really believe. It is what I really live. Is it hard? Absolutely! I don’t like to see how far from life changing faith I am but God loves me too much to allow me to live any longer with deception. He is after my heart and desiring that I live in intimate relationship with Him. In order for that to happen, He has to expose and dismantle the falsehoods of my perceived faith. Authentic faith is the goal and He is the One who will get me to that point.

Father, keep showing me where my faith and my feelings collide. My steps are tenuous on this journey but I praise You when each one is taken. Amen.

Do I Trust You Lord - Twila Paris
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV1ZY7AWNdY

Getting into God's Word and letting God's Word get into me one truth at a time.