Seeing the Real Me

Be ye therefore followers of God as dear children. Ephesians 5:1 (King James Version)

Relationships have always fulfilled two purposes for me. I looked for people to give me significance and for them to reshape the person I could not accept in myself. I did not like who I was, what I had become, or what I had to offer anyone. It was easier to look at something someone else had (be it personality, voice, talent, or taste) and imitate that in my own life. If I could be like them, sound like them, talk like them, or appear like them I believed I could replace myself with them. I believed if I could somehow possess what they had and it would bring me the satisfaction and peace.

It might be as simple as choosing something they would choose. I can remember in high school looking up to a young couple in our church. We went to the Dairy Queen one day. They ordered Slushies so I ordered one as well. Never mind the fact that I preferred shakes and ice cream sundaes. If I was having what they had, it made me more like them and I no longer had to settle for being me.

If I liked someone’s voice and expressions I would begin to replace mine with theirs. Writing styles, hand jesters, facial expressions, and body language were the things I could duplicate and hence avoid living my life as myself.

But it is all futile. It doesn’t work. Taking on another person’s character traits only covers up what is still there. It is like a poorly dressed, homeless person putting expensive clothes over his own. His clothes are still there. My true self is still the only one I have. I can deny it, cover it up, try to replace it, and even forget about it. But the truth is that it is and always will be who I am. And there is so much I lose in the process.

I lose the ability to enjoy the person God created me to be. I lose the gift of myself God desires me to be to others. I lose fellowship with God and others because I don’t come to them as myself. I wear the mask, parade the garments, and pretend to be someone else. I use the people in my life to form a cocoon to crawl into. It may feel safe but it is confining and it is a prison to hide in.

Father, peel back the layers I have encased myself in until all that is left is the real me. Convince me there will be joy, pleasure, excitement, and abundant life waiting for me when I allow You to reveal my true self. Amen.