Owning the Words

And he said, “O man greatly beloved, fear not! Peace be to you; be strong, yes, be strong!” So when he spoke to me I was strengthened, and said, “Let my lord speak, for you have strengthened me.” Daniel 10:19 (New King James Version)

To see yourself as God’s greatly beloved and to receive strength and encouragement from Him, is when the Christian life becomes one of intimacy, growth, and security. For decades, I knew very little of either of these experiences. Rather than look to God for my identity, completeness, and encouragement, I looked to people. Their view of me and words to me could either put me on a mountain of high emotion or plunge me into a valley of despair. The tranquility of my soul rested solely on them. I did not know what it was like to sense that God viewed me as precious, desirable, beautiful, valuable, goodly, or His treasure. I did not know what it was like to receive from God those things my soul craved. Although I knew Jesus as my Savior, my attention and internal appetites were directed toward people rather than toward Him.

Even in the midst of my present journey which began in February of 2004 this has often been the case. While I have taken in wonderful truths about God and seen Him birth a devotional ministry out of those truths, there was still something missing. It wasn’t until I began reading a book by Henri Nouwen called THE INNER VOICE OF LOVE that I understood the continued battle. It is a book that adequately portrays me. Within its pages I was able to finally see myself. While I was learning the truth about God’s love and His desire to fill me with that love, I was not living out of the experience of embracing it for myself. Many times they were still words on a page to me. That is why I continued to look to other sources. I was still thinking that knowledge of God equated relationship with Him. There were times I would experience the relationship but for the most part my need for people was still over powering my personal connection with God.

The few people I would confide in could see this and I believe they have been lifting me up in prayer. The real turning point came when I finally admitted the truth to myself and to God. It has been through honest dialogue with Him that my heart and mind are changing. What use to fill me with shame, I now share openly with you. I am learning to receive His love and His words to me as His beloved. And I am learning to verbalize to Him what is going on inside of me so my needs can finally be met by Him. Instead of feeling exposed and vulnerable (as the enemy would hope for), I feel free!

I love the song YOU RAISE ME UP and treasure it more as I come to realize God is the One Whom I now look to, to raise me up!

Father, I am finally finding my home in You. Amen.

Being Mindful to Move On

And truly, if they had been mindful of that country from whence they came out, they might have had opportunity to have returned. Hebrews 11:15 (King James Version)

Where my mind goes my heart will follow. Often were the times the children of Israel longed for a return to Egypt even though it was a place of bondage. When life became difficult and they couldn’t see what lay ahead, they wished to be back in another place and time. This longing kept them from fully experiencing the present and anticipating the future. The heroes of faith listed in Hebrews 11 knew better. They knew that allowing themselves to think about the places they had been to rather than where they were at could affect their faith and focus. Their sites were set on what lay ahead rather than what they left behind.

I must determine, by God’s grace, to follow their example. As the terrain and lessons of my journey go through changes it is easy to think of the comfort zones of my past and yearn to have them back. There are certain circumstances and relationships that nurtured and strengthened me years ago and if given the chance I would probably opt for a return. But if that happened, growth would be stunted and moving forward would be impossible. Imagine a person forever being in kindergarten! Imagine an adult still being held and carried by their parent. What was at one time good and necessary for us would be an absurd hindrance now. The same is true in our walk of faith. It necessitates a ‘letting go and moving on’ lifestyle and mindset. While I may still recall pleasant moments in the past, it is imperative that I not allow the thoughts to consume me and captivate my attention. My main focus must remain on what God is doing in my life now and the direction He is taking me.

While God has used many individuals to help bring me to this point, I am aware there has been a shift. My ability to find my true identity in Christ and fully receive His unconditional love for me is requiring a letting go of many things. Allowing Him to meet my needs and satisfy me at the center of who I am will not be possible if I “return” to the past securities and shelters He once supplied for me. The growing pains of maturing in Christ are felt at times and it is then that I must take hold of Him rather than reach out for what use to be. My faith and my focus must ever be in and on Him.

Oh, to live out the truths of Philippians 3:13, “Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.” May my desire be for Him.

Father, I treasure the memories with a realization that moving on is necessary. Many relationships have changed but growth continues. Help me to look to You for the care and nurturing my soul craves. Amen.

The Reward of Death

I die daily. I Corinthians 15:31 (King James Version)

I have spent the last year and a half keeping alive something in me that needed to die. It was an attitude of my heart and I gave it life every time I recounted the loss, pain, and disappointment. I breathed life into its existence each time I reviewed it in my mind or in conversation with others. While I wanted freedom from the effects it had on me I was unwilling to put it to death…..until recently. God brought me to a point where I saw the attitude for what it was and I realized the price I was paying by keeping it alive.

It is not that I had never confessed it before. I had…many times. It is not that I didn’t want freedom. I did…often. It was that I chose to hold on and refused to let go. As God showed me what I was doing to myself and all that I was missing out on in His kingdom, my hands opened in submission and my heart broke in relinquishment. I knew there was forgiveness but I was not prepared for the sense of freedom that would come. That which I had struggled with and wondered if I would ever be free from, lost its grip as I released mine. I felt like my entire chest cavity had just been cleaned out and an antihistamine had been infused into my spirit. There was no longer the desire to harbor the attitude and feast off its presence.

Jesus said in John 12:24 that “unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it will abide alone. But if it dies it will bring forth much fruit.” Putting to death this attitude in myself through confession, brokenness, and release, has begun to bring forth fruit. The fruit is being seen in different areas. My perspective is coming in line with God’s perspective. Peace and joy are being experienced. And my prayer life is taking on a new dimension. As I intercede for others who battle attitudes of the heart I realize afresh the activity of the enemy in their life, the real source of their pain, and the needed work God will have to do in them. The bondage I lived in and the freedom I experienced will now be used to minister to others.

God has truly brought me through the most difficult circumstance of my life so far. There were times I wasn’t sure deliverance would ever be mine. So often I felt I was a terminal case and hope waned. But God knew better and so did many believers who came along side me and consistently told me the truth. I thank each one of them and praise a God who was intent on my “death.”

Father, I am still in an “I don’t believe it is finally over” mode. My heart is over whelmed with gratitude to You. While there is still work to be done in many areas, I have tasted of freedom that can only come from You. Amen.

Uprooting the Root

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. Hebrews 12:14,15 (New King James Version)

I am becoming acutely aware of the fact that my biggest problem is not the circumstances or people in my life. My biggest problem is my own heart. What my heart chooses to hold on to and justify will be what places me in bondage. Until I recognize that and take the appropriate steps to rectify it I will not walk in freedom or daily connection with the heart of God. Neither will I grow or move forward in my Christian life. Today’s passage in Hebrews warns of a root of bitterness which can cause trouble and defilement (contamination).

Like a tangled web of disaster, a root of bitterness can grow to the point of completely covering my heart and my spirit. It can easily bring me to the place where truth is unable to get from my head to my heart and transformation is hindered. Along with that, it can connect and tie me to the very things I want to release. Things like painful experiences, wounds, and heartache. Unless I see the truth of this and act upon it, I will mistakenly focus on the outward circumstances of my life and walk with a victim mentality. It is a place of no comfort, no joy, and no freedom. The Christian life is reduced to empty, painful living.

Why is that a route I and so many others choose? I believe there are a number of reasons. To admit it means I must be honest about what is in my own heart…what I am really like. Once I admit the truth about myself I must take responsibility for my actions and attitudes that have gone awry. With responsibility comes an awareness of a need to change. As long as I can blame my circumstances and others for the way I feel and live, I can somehow hold them responsible for the condition of my life. But that will never bring about change or freedom. That will only keep me in bondage.

If I allow Him, God will expose any root of bitterness and through confession will begin to clear away the tangled mess. As I embrace His forgiveness and mercy there is an ability to open my clenched fists and closed heart which finally releases me from my own prison of pain. While it may take awhile to come to this point, the deliverance is instantaneous!

Father, I praise You for exposing my heart and root of bitterness. I receive Your forgiveness and dance in Your freedom. Amen.

He Knows

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are ~ yet without sin. Hebrews 4:15 (New International Version)

Recently, I took comfort in the words of author Henri Nouwen. As I read the following words I could tell he KNEW how I felt. After the demise of a deeply satisfying friendship he wrote, “Intellectually I knew that no human friendship could fulfill the deepest longing of my heart. I knew that only God could give me what I desired. I knew that I had been set on a road where nobody could walk with me but Jesus. But all this knowledge didn’t help me in my pain.” He went on to warn about two extremes to avoid in the midst of pain, “Being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.” I drank in his words because he had been where I am at and I finally felt someone understood! It is through his personal hurts, agony, and sorrow that he can so eloquently address mine. Although he no longer lives in this world, his books are strengthening and comforting me as so few people seem to be able to do.

This is the same picture I need to get of Jesus. He can sympathize with me. He understands even better than Henri Nouwen how I feel. He knew heartache, abandonment, and rejection in far greater ways than I will ever experience, and yet He will not treat my circumstance as unimportant. He has healing for me and knows I have yet to fully experience it. He sees the times I try to anesthetize the pain with more relationships, more activities, even more intake of Scripture. He knows the search that seems to yield so few results. He knows the struggle I have to implement what well meaning people advise. He knows how easily I want to hide or deny my own thoughts and feelings. He knows the times my spirit and my shoulders slump in hopelessness. But He also knows none of this is the end of the story. He already knows the day truth will finally set me free.

For now, I hold on to the hope, hand, and robe of my High Priest who identifies with me and upholds me. As one song so aptly states it, “His strength is perfect when our strength is gone.” He continues to whisper His reminders to me and listens as I whisper my thoughts back to Him. In the aloneness of every day life, He is my constant Companion and Confidante.

Father, may You speak to and touch the deepest parts of me. Amen.

Getting Out of the Way

“O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?” says the LORD. “Look, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel!” Jeremiah 18:6 (New King James Version)

I have often enjoyed watching the program CLEAN HOUSE. The idea is for the designers to come into a house that is a complete mess, sell as many items as they can in a garage sale, use the money to help finance a house make-over, clean the house, and present the home owners with an unbelievable improvement. I have watched as people get their first view of what has been done. Mouths drop open, tears fall, and gratitude is abundant. But sad to say, there are actually people who get in the way and limit what the designers want to do. They have a hard time giving up anything and once they finally allow things to be put up for sale they are out there reclaiming the items. They had two problems. They resisted change and they didn’t trust the designers. In the end the designers are not always able to do all that they had wanted to do.

It has not taken much for God to show me the similarities between these people and myself in a spiritual realm. I, too, have resisted change, reclaimed things I once yielded, and found myself blocking the Designer of my life. I say I want to be transformed. I say I want God to have His way in my life. I say I want Him to do what is for His glory and my good. But when it comes down to the actual process I see myself resisting His work. Like the people on CLEAN HOUSE, I often resist change and lack trust in the Designer. This revelation has woken me up!

I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize God had so much more to do in me and through me than I allowed. And I don’t want my time here on earth to be spent embracing the very things He wants to replace. His ways are higher than my ways. His plans are better than my plans. He understands my tears and my fears and with each He simply says, “Trust Me. Cooperate with Me. Yield to Me.” Whatever or whomever He chooses to remove from my life, He removes with nail scarred hands and a love filled heart. His exchanges are NEVER a down scale interaction. They are always an improvement!

So this morning, I once again take His hand and choose to embrace His grace rather than my pain. His freedom rather than my fear. His joy rather than my sorrow. He never said it would be easy but He did say it would be worth it! I am ready to get out of the way as He works to woo me to Himself and make me like Himself.

Father, You know me better than anyone else does. I am finally ready to trust You with abandon. Have Your way and will in my life. Amen.

A Banner to Wave

To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy. Jude 24 (New International Version)

Many have been the times I have looked at my Christian life and wondered if I was doing anything right. The enemy would parade my failures and poor choices in front of me and the procession who bring about shame, condemnation, and guilt. He had me convinced much of my growth and journey rested on my shoulders and I had to somehow muster up the energy to keep pace with demands and requirements. It was like wearing cinder blocks on my feet and lead chains on my spirit. Burdensome, hard, and nearly impossible were the slogans that greeted me along the way. But the twenty-fourth verse of Jude makes a clean sweep of that way of thinking!

This morning I once again take in God’s involvement in my life and the end result of His involvement. He has the capability, strength, and willingness to keep me established in my faith. He is like a father who has a firm grip on a toddler’s hand and keeps him upright and moving forward. His eye is on every move I make! As I was reminded earlier this week, we are each ordinary people who serve an extraordinary God! He invites us to take His yoke upon us and He will carry the vast majority of the weight. Even though I am aware of the necessity for me to cooperate with Him and walk in obedience to Him, He is the one infusing me with the power to do so. It rests on Him and He takes that very seriously!

But I am also aware of the end of the story. I do not have to fear standing before Him one day and wonder how I will be viewed and accepted. Because of His work in me, I will stand before Him without reproach, fault, blemish, or blame and while I do so, He and I will both have extreme joy over it! He will be the reason for the celebration and exultation! His grace, His mercy, and His transforming work will be the basis for my stability and my stand.

So the next time the enemy of my soul invites me to his distorted parade, Jude 24 will be my banner of triumph to wave and my sword to wield. His view and his interpretation are no match for that of my Father! The same is true for any who know Him as Savior. Christ longs for us to finally see the truth and to embrace it!

Father, Your Word is what I hold up today as my shield and my sword. May I remind myself and the enemy of what You say about my life in You. Amen.