I Still Miss Her

In March of 2000, I sat in the balcony at my church and took in the fact that I would soon be facing my first Mothers' Day without my mom. She had been killed in a car accident after suffering a heart attack the previous February. I still remember the profound ache and extraordinary loss that enveloped me. Physically I felt like someone had taken a piece of barbed wire and shoved it into my chest...then proceeded to twist it. My mom who was so full of life. The one with whom I could laugh the hardest. The one I took after in so many ways. The one with whom I enjoyed Christian fellowship for the last 14 years of her life. The one who over came her alcoholism but struggled with depression. The one who loved me and cheered me on in life. The one who adored my children. Gone. Heaven held her and I couldn't get to her.

It was in March when the Lord gave me a poem which I would like to share with all of you. Written with my mom in mind, I now dedicate it to all of you who have lost your mothers....whether years ago or recently. While my personal pain and sorrow have subsided and good memories have replaced them, my heart goes out to any who face a difficult Mothers' Day this year. God bless you and may His presence be your comfort.

I Still Miss Her

It seems like only yesterday
I sent a Mother’s Day card away.
I didn’t think it would be the last,
I signed it with love and mailed it fast.
Now that she has gone away,
It doesn’t feel like Mother’s Day.
There are no more chances to send a card,
To ship some flowers, to make a call.
There’s no more thanking her for all she’s done.
No more visits,
No more fun.
I cannot hug her or kiss her cheek.
I cannot even share a laugh.
It all too quickly became the past.
I took each visit with her for granted.
I thought there’d always be more to come.
The camera lies still now
From her use and mine.
All the pictures have been taken,
All the memories have been made.
All the words have been spoken,
All the letters have been mailed.
The thing I miss the most of all
Has got to be her voice
Whether on the telephone or talking face to face.
I’d wish for one more conversation either here or at her place.
I know I’ll see her again some day,
We’ll share the sights of heaven.
We’ll talk, we’ll laugh, we’ll hug,
We’ll kiss….it’ll be Mother’s Day once more.
But until then I’ll be a mom for Mother’s Day instead of
Being a daughter.

Pam Shattuck
March, 2000

A Death Wish

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my father. I Kings 19:4 KJV

I am writing today’s devotional with the awareness that some may be reading this who have in fact attempted to take their own lives through suicide. Others are reading it who, like Elijah, have prayed that God would just let them die. Knowing that God created us in His image with a strong desire to live, I am asking myself what it is that causes a person to desire death over life?

For Elijah it was fear. Jezebel had threatened his life and he ran for his life only to sit down and pray the Lord would let him die. For others it may be any number of issues that cause life to seem unbearable. Darkness sets in, reason leaves, confusion abounds, and there does not seem to be a way of escape or even a desire to find the escape.

I have known three distinct times in my life when I voiced such a prayer to God….or at least strongly wished He would just allow my life to end. One time was several years ago when my mother passed away. The ache of losing her engulfed me and there were times while driving I longed for semi trucks to just make their way over to my lane to end it all in one horrific accident. The other time was with the loss of a significant person in my life a year ago. Again, the enormous ache and pain left me with a death wish. I just wanted to stop hurting. Most recently it was during the darkest time of spiritual oppression that I have ever known. I felt isolated from every significant person in my life, questioned my own validity with God, doubted I should even write devotionals, and felt such darkness that again I despaired and wished God would just let me die. The fact that I am writing this devotional today reveals His ways are higher than my ways. Praise Him!

In the first two instances, time was a factor in regaining a desire to live. This most recent time was becoming acutely aware of how involved the enemy was in my life. David said in Psalm 55, “Because of the voice of the enemy…my heart is sore pained within me; and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.” I know now that the dark thoughts, multitude of confusion, and ultimate thought of death were his whispers. But God’s voice spoke louder. He listened the night my constant prayer was, “Jesus, I need You.” He held me when I lacked the strength to hold on to Him. And He revealed to me the true nature of my mindset. I stand in awe of His continual redeeming love!

Father, may I be filled with the fullness of You and live out the rest of my days in Your embrace! Amen.

God Never Leaves

And Israel said unto Joseph, “Behold, I die: but God shall be with you, and bring you again unto the land of your fathers.” Genesis 48:21

People mean the world to me. I am extremely close to a few. I have thought many times of the day they depart from this world. I remember losing my mom over five years ago. At times the grief seemed unbearable. Losing someone close takes a part of you. The vacancy is huge.

I often dread the thought of someone close to me dieing. I know the sorrow will be great. But Jacob speaks the most comforting words to Joseph. “Behold, I die; but God will be with you.” I must remember that God remains with me when that loved one departs. His plan for me continues.

Father, it is times like this that your words, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” mean so much to me. Thank You. Amen.