A Death Wish

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my father. I Kings 19:4 KJV

I am writing today’s devotional with the awareness that some may be reading this who have in fact attempted to take their own lives through suicide. Others are reading it who, like Elijah, have prayed that God would just let them die. Knowing that God created us in His image with a strong desire to live, I am asking myself what it is that causes a person to desire death over life?

For Elijah it was fear. Jezebel had threatened his life and he ran for his life only to sit down and pray the Lord would let him die. For others it may be any number of issues that cause life to seem unbearable. Darkness sets in, reason leaves, confusion abounds, and there does not seem to be a way of escape or even a desire to find the escape.

I have known three distinct times in my life when I voiced such a prayer to God….or at least strongly wished He would just allow my life to end. One time was several years ago when my mother passed away. The ache of losing her engulfed me and there were times while driving I longed for semi trucks to just make their way over to my lane to end it all in one horrific accident. The other time was with the loss of a significant person in my life a year ago. Again, the enormous ache and pain left me with a death wish. I just wanted to stop hurting. Most recently it was during the darkest time of spiritual oppression that I have ever known. I felt isolated from every significant person in my life, questioned my own validity with God, doubted I should even write devotionals, and felt such darkness that again I despaired and wished God would just let me die. The fact that I am writing this devotional today reveals His ways are higher than my ways. Praise Him!

In the first two instances, time was a factor in regaining a desire to live. This most recent time was becoming acutely aware of how involved the enemy was in my life. David said in Psalm 55, “Because of the voice of the enemy…my heart is sore pained within me; and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.” I know now that the dark thoughts, multitude of confusion, and ultimate thought of death were his whispers. But God’s voice spoke louder. He listened the night my constant prayer was, “Jesus, I need You.” He held me when I lacked the strength to hold on to Him. And He revealed to me the true nature of my mindset. I stand in awe of His continual redeeming love!

Father, may I be filled with the fullness of You and live out the rest of my days in Your embrace! Amen.

Perspectives in the Work Place

Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Ephesians 6:7 New Living Translation

I enjoy my job. It is like none other that I have ever had. For a total of 15 years I taught lower elementary in several Christian schools. For 8 years I did assembly work in my home for a slogan button company. I have worked as a counselor in a Christian camp, supervised at a day camp, and even did some day care work. For the past two and a half years I have worked in an education warehouse….particularly in inventory control. Most of my day is spent on an order picker (see attached photo) whereby I check the quantity of products in locations.

Today’s verse allows me to do my job in a way that surpasses any other means of motivation. For I find that everything changes when I view it as being done for God. Working for Him gives my work significance, importance, and purpose. How in the world can I view a task done for Him as mundane, unessential, or demeaning? When I see God as my supervisor, employer, and inspector it affects my performance and the quality of my work. If I limit my service to just what people see and expect I will settle for less than my best.

My relationship with God carries over into my work place. It affects the way I interact with my coworkers. It affects my productivity. It affects the seriousness with which I do my job. God will set the standard higher than ANY person I work for. Far from being a task master, God provides me with the ability, strength, and desire to do what I do. His approval and pleasure means more to me than what my coworkers or bosses think. His opinion is what counts!

We make a big mistake when we label some jobs as “Christian service” and other jobs as “secular work.” Within the kingdom of God it is all the same. If it is done according to His will in faithfulness and sincerity it is godly ministry. My work becomes a means whereby I acknowledge and worship God on a daily basis.

Do I plan to work at this same place for the rest of my life? Not really. I have dreams and desires that God and I talk about quite often. But for now, He has a purpose for me in the place He has me. During this time He is instilling character and growth in me and I do not want to miss out on any lesson of life! It is my job, my ministry, my calling, and my place…for now.

Father, You instituted work from the beginning. May I always realize the truth that it is not what I do but Who I do it for that matters most! Amen.

Doing What He Says

Shimei then said to the king, “The word is good. As my lord the king has said, so your servant will do.” So Shimei lived in Jerusalem many days. I Kings 2:38 NASB

Shimei spoke these words to King Solomon. Each of us have the daily opportunity to speak the same words to God. For those of us who know Jesus as our Savior, we have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us. If we are willing to listen, He will whisper instructions to us. If we are willing to obey, He will empower us to do what He says. So what might those whispers sound like?

When I was a child, my siblings and I enjoyed playing a game called “I Spy.” One person would say “I spy something blue.” And the rest of us would proceed to guess at a variety of objects in the room that were blue until someone actually pinpointed what the person was spying. It kept us amused and busy to say the least! Well, in a sense, God has begun nudging me to be on the look out for certain things…three so far.

First, be on the look out for opportunities to defer to others. To put it another way, watch for ways to put others first. It is amazing how many times and places this becomes possible. At work, in traffic, in stores, in our homes! It becomes a joy to discover an opportunity and a delight to carry out the plan. What I found was with each success, I was asking God to help me see another one. No one around us knew we were doing this but God and I were having the time of our life!!!!

Second, be on the look out for the enemy’s presence. With God’s help I am becoming acutely aware of his tactics, finger prints, and attendance. What I am seeing is amazing me! Last night, something was said that rubbed me the wrong way. In the middle of my inner irritation and anger, God startled me with the realization that the enemy was in our midst. He was feeding me interpretations and thoughts that fueled my fire, and I was taking the bait…or plate rather! When I spied the enemy, his gig was up! All the anger in me left as he departed and what could have been a miserable evening turned into rejoicing!

Third, be on the look out for allowing God’s truth to take precedence and counter negative messages that run through my head. For instance, I get dressed, look in the mirror, and the first thought to hit me is “You have got to loose some weight.” But God’s truth needs to take precedence. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! When my hair won’t cooperate God’s truth is that my hair is my crown of beauty. He has a truth for EVERY thought to be battled and renounced.

There will be plenty of opportunities to voice Shimei’s words to God today. And to think He will supply the will, the way, and the success!

Father, my journey is one of daily interacting with You and there really is no better way to live! Amen.

The Necessity of Zero Tolerance

Neither give place to the devil. Ephesians 4:27 KJV

The tears are flowing as I write this devotional this morning. I am so moved by God’s desire and ability to get us to understand truth. His truth. How tainted our life becomes when we allow the enemy of our soul to distort, malign, misinterpret, and sabotage any of God’s truth. Truth about Himself, about us, and about others. Everything that comes into our life is fair game for his spin as far as he is concerned. He will stop at nothing to get us to see life through his grid of lies rather than God’s grid of truth. He will use things from our past (be it wounds, hurts, losses, disappointments), things from our present, and even imagined things from our future. His intent is to destroy us and God’s work through us.

I called a friend last night and we talked about how easily and persistently the enemy can get to us through negative thinking. I shared with her how the entire day had been spent fighting off the messages that just kept coming. As long as I came against the thoughts with Scripture and prayer I was okay. But by mid afternoon I gave place to him. One unguarded thought and the whirlwind hit! Everything I thought I had so effectively fought off came back with a vengeance. For I had simply been holding it at bay instead of enacting spiritual warfare. There is such a difference between those two things. The phone conversation helped me to see that.

When I do not take authority over the enemy and thoroughly demolish the strongholds and attacks, his fingerprints are all over the place. My life becomes chaotic with confusion, discouragement, hopelessness, and darkness. I become uncertain about God’s direction in my life and my devotion to Him. I question the authenticity of my journey. This thinking sets me up for the enemy’s well thought out plan. He begins to introduce me to options I can take. How dangerous it would be to take them.

I say all of this to remind myself and others of the necessity to be on guard. We cannot afford to give him the tiniest spot of opportunity to move in and set up residence in our thoughts, actions, words, or relationships. And if we have already given him that “place” we must take the steps to remove him. I experienced his glee of “victory” over me yesterday but today I “stand strong in the Lord and in the power of His might” (Ephesians 6:10).

Father, I bear some bruises from the enemy and am in need of Your balm of healing! Continue teaching me how to fight the good fight! Amen.

Asking For and Accepting His Help

That He may incline our hearts to Himself, to walk in all His ways, to keep His commandments and His statutes and His judgments, which He commanded our Fathers. I Kings 8:58 NKJV

What is it that lacks in your Christian life? What is it that you find hard to admit to yourself, others, and God? Many times the commands of God can appear to be a daunting list that leave us feeling more like failures than conquerors. Bombarded with thoughts of disappointing God, falling short of unattainable goals, and just plain not good enough the enemy of our soul sets in and paints an even darker picture over our life.

I take comfort in Solomon’s words as he spoke a blessing over the children of Israel. His request becomes my request and somehow gives me permission to begin asking God for those things I long to be a part of my life. Rather than daunting, God’s commands can actually become a prayer list for me as I admit to inability and ask for God’s help. I am not meant to live my Christian life out of self motivation, self reformation, and self determination. For if that is what I am doing I have once again allowed the tentacles of legalism and performance to wrap themselves around me. God has a better way!

This morning I bring my list of needs to God. I realize once again if He does not do these things in my life I do not stand a chance. How freeing it is to stand before Him with open heart, outstretched arms, and spoken requests. What use to be a secret hidden away in the depths of my heart now becomes transparent before Him. I bow to Him and humbly ask Him to…


*Incline my heart toward Himself.
*Give me a love for Him that surpasses all other loves of my life.
*Help me to seek Him with all my heart.
*Be the longing and desire of my heart.
*Be the primary topic of my conversations.
*Make prayer appealing to me.
*Satisfy and fill me.
*Loosen the grip and appeal of idols.
*Be enough!

Father, this list is not complete but it is a start. Thank you that all You require from me You are willing to help me to do. I need You. Amen.

How Does He Do That?

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercy and loving-kindness blot out my transgressions. Psalm 51:1 NASB

What is it that often stops us from coming to God in the same way that David came to Him as recorded in Psalm 51? I read through that Psalm this morning and was struck by David’s way of approaching God with his sin. This particular Psalm followed his commitment of adultery, murder, and hiding. And yet David came to God with such childlike appeal. He based his forgiveness on God’s love, mercy, and kindness. No excuses, no blaming, no camouflaging, and no doubt of the outcome.

I wonder why confession of sin and receiving of forgiveness seems so difficult at times for me. As I have brought that question to God, He has begun to reveal the obstacles that get in the way of me personalizing Psalm 51. How He longs for me to see the lies I have owned. How He desires to clear away the distortions of Himself. Here is what He has been sharing with me.

I easily walk in shame over sin. I look back over a trail of sin behind me and think I must first make things right before God is willing to fully forgive me. It is like being given a teaspoon to begin transporting a mile high sand dune. Sin I committed after becoming a Christian haunts me more than sin committed before salvation. There seems to be less of an excuse for it. As a result I walk with a sense of greatly disappointing God and fail to embrace His gift of total complete forgiveness.

But God doesn’t just reveal these aspects to me and then leave. He brings to mind the pictures of Himself as found in Scripture. He is like the father of the returning prodigal. There was no demand that the son “make up” for all he had done. He is like the king who graciously forgave the person who could not pay his debt. There was no talk of installment payments. God says, “Bring to Me a broken and contrite heart. I will not despise you. I will forgive and embrace you.” I am daring to take Him at His word and experience an aspect of grace and mercy that has often eluded me. How He must have grieved to see me so hesitant in His presence.

Some will read this and wonder how I could ever be so mistaken about forgiveness. Others will read it and relate all too easily. For me, I simply say with David, “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”

Father, my journey continues to be one of exposing lies, discovering truth, and experiencing transformation! I come. Amen.

The Question He Still Asks

So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Feed My lambs.” John 21:15 NKJV

Jesus is still asking this question to us today. His question reveals His heart and our answer reveals our heart. I find that my view of life stems from that question. My ability to live life to the fullest is also connected to it. I so often want to answer it quickly with an affirmative “Yes!” I want to proclaim it with passion. But it is a question that probes my heart and causes reflection. I wrestled with it yesterday as God revealed to me the ways in which the answer is not always “yes.”

For each of us, the “more than these” is known only to us and God. For me, the question included a list of comparisons that were uncomfortable to perceive but necessary to admit. He became very specific with me as He targeted a list of issues. The conversation went as follows: “Pam, do you love Me more than the gifts I give to you? More than the plans I have for you? More than the significant people in your life? More than your dreams and ambitions? More than the very things that bring you joy? More than your abilities and opportunities? More than your desires and longings? More than those things I can do through you and for you? More than personal happiness and comfort?” Then He put His finger on some deeper issues. “Pam, if everything you hold near and dear were suddenly removed from your life, would your love for Me remain and even grow? If the books, music, and relationships were no longer available to you would you still love Me and find satisfaction in only Me?”

His questions stopped me in my tracks. For I knew then as I know now that my personal dissatisfactions and continual longings for more revealed something in me that is hard to admit but already seen by God. Nothing will change if I bury the truth and fail to be honest. My answer became a prayer of “O, God, help me to love you more than these!” My desire is His delight as we go through another day of growing in my ability to actually do just that.

Father, keep asking me the questions that lead to change. May I no longer fear the truth that leads to freedom and life! Amen.