A Death Wish

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my father. I Kings 19:4 KJV

I am writing today’s devotional with the awareness that some may be reading this who have in fact attempted to take their own lives through suicide. Others are reading it who, like Elijah, have prayed that God would just let them die. Knowing that God created us in His image with a strong desire to live, I am asking myself what it is that causes a person to desire death over life?

For Elijah it was fear. Jezebel had threatened his life and he ran for his life only to sit down and pray the Lord would let him die. For others it may be any number of issues that cause life to seem unbearable. Darkness sets in, reason leaves, confusion abounds, and there does not seem to be a way of escape or even a desire to find the escape.

I have known three distinct times in my life when I voiced such a prayer to God….or at least strongly wished He would just allow my life to end. One time was several years ago when my mother passed away. The ache of losing her engulfed me and there were times while driving I longed for semi trucks to just make their way over to my lane to end it all in one horrific accident. The other time was with the loss of a significant person in my life a year ago. Again, the enormous ache and pain left me with a death wish. I just wanted to stop hurting. Most recently it was during the darkest time of spiritual oppression that I have ever known. I felt isolated from every significant person in my life, questioned my own validity with God, doubted I should even write devotionals, and felt such darkness that again I despaired and wished God would just let me die. The fact that I am writing this devotional today reveals His ways are higher than my ways. Praise Him!

In the first two instances, time was a factor in regaining a desire to live. This most recent time was becoming acutely aware of how involved the enemy was in my life. David said in Psalm 55, “Because of the voice of the enemy…my heart is sore pained within me; and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.” I know now that the dark thoughts, multitude of confusion, and ultimate thought of death were his whispers. But God’s voice spoke louder. He listened the night my constant prayer was, “Jesus, I need You.” He held me when I lacked the strength to hold on to Him. And He revealed to me the true nature of my mindset. I stand in awe of His continual redeeming love!

Father, may I be filled with the fullness of You and live out the rest of my days in Your embrace! Amen.