The Reward of Death

I die daily. I Corinthians 15:31 (King James Version)

I have spent the last year and a half keeping alive something in me that needed to die. It was an attitude of my heart and I gave it life every time I recounted the loss, pain, and disappointment. I breathed life into its existence each time I reviewed it in my mind or in conversation with others. While I wanted freedom from the effects it had on me I was unwilling to put it to death…..until recently. God brought me to a point where I saw the attitude for what it was and I realized the price I was paying by keeping it alive.

It is not that I had never confessed it before. I had…many times. It is not that I didn’t want freedom. I did…often. It was that I chose to hold on and refused to let go. As God showed me what I was doing to myself and all that I was missing out on in His kingdom, my hands opened in submission and my heart broke in relinquishment. I knew there was forgiveness but I was not prepared for the sense of freedom that would come. That which I had struggled with and wondered if I would ever be free from, lost its grip as I released mine. I felt like my entire chest cavity had just been cleaned out and an antihistamine had been infused into my spirit. There was no longer the desire to harbor the attitude and feast off its presence.

Jesus said in John 12:24 that “unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it will abide alone. But if it dies it will bring forth much fruit.” Putting to death this attitude in myself through confession, brokenness, and release, has begun to bring forth fruit. The fruit is being seen in different areas. My perspective is coming in line with God’s perspective. Peace and joy are being experienced. And my prayer life is taking on a new dimension. As I intercede for others who battle attitudes of the heart I realize afresh the activity of the enemy in their life, the real source of their pain, and the needed work God will have to do in them. The bondage I lived in and the freedom I experienced will now be used to minister to others.

God has truly brought me through the most difficult circumstance of my life so far. There were times I wasn’t sure deliverance would ever be mine. So often I felt I was a terminal case and hope waned. But God knew better and so did many believers who came along side me and consistently told me the truth. I thank each one of them and praise a God who was intent on my “death.”

Father, I am still in an “I don’t believe it is finally over” mode. My heart is over whelmed with gratitude to You. While there is still work to be done in many areas, I have tasted of freedom that can only come from You. Amen.