When I Would Rather Not Say

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. Psalm 139:1-4 (New International Version)

David knew that God knew him inside and out. There was not a thought, word, or action that ever escaped His notice. To God, he was an open book and he had no trouble admitting the times he was angry, fearful, lonely, upset, suspicious, jealous, sinful, sad, excited, joyful, or just plain beside himself. He knew how to praise God as well as question Him. He knew how to cry tears of joy as well as tears of sorrow on God’s shoulder. He knew the freedom of saying, “Here is what is really going on inside of me!” He does that very thing through out the entire book of Psalms.

Oh, how I need the reminders of God this morning. I need to once again curl up with the truth that He knows me….really knows me! He is perceptive, discerning, and familiar with every thing about me. How intimate! His question of “How are you?” is never meant to invoke shame or cause me to lose eye contact with Him. He knows it all and wants to hear it all from my mouth. Honest, open dialogue is what He wants to draw me into with Himself. Rather than shallow, general statements, He wants raw, vulnerable conversation with all the specifics. With Him, one question leads to others which always run deep. He is after the roots and causes of my feelings and my thoughts.

I grew up in a home where that just wasn’t done. Questions were not asked and feelings were not shared. There seemed to be a sense that sharing meant risks. The risk of being misunderstood or worse yet ignored. Hence, I was not one to confide. Instead, I internalized and still do that today. God wants to change that. He wants me to open up more with Him and others even when I’m afraid and apprehensive. Even when the thought fills me with a sense of failure, embarrassment, and uneasiness. Even when everything in me is convinced it is safer to not do so. Is there a risk? Absolutely! But God is letting me know that without taking that risk I will never know what it is like to be unconditionally loved and accepted. I know that is the case with Him. He wants me to see there are individuals who will do the same. They have His heart.

God whispers to me, “Come out of hiding, Pam. Hiding behind a smile and an ‘all is well’ façade. Those who know you best can see the truth in your eyes and hear it in your voice. I will listen and so will they but you must talk. You must share. You must admit the truth in the inward parts. Trust Me and the ones I bring into your life.”

Father, You are showing me the hindrances in my relationship with You as well as with others. Help me to find my voice amidst the silence. Amen.


He Knows My Name by Maranatha Singers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXsiWoyjw60